Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
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