i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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