i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
