I'm really into asian looking animals
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Randomize
