pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
