In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
