I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
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