id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
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