I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
