so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
