where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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