i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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