I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
All I want is dick and wine.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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