you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I'm like, not good at living.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
