at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize