I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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