I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Randomize
