I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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