I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
