Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Randomize
