Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Randomize
