Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
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