i permit you to call me
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
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