Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
