My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
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