Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
