I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
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