I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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