Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
