Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
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