I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
