Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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