I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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