he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
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