dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
It's never too late to be topless.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Randomize
