Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
