I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
how drunk are you?
Several
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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