so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
i need to put some appletini on your dick
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Randomize