I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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