I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
