I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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