ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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