Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
