I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
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