Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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