I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
MIDGETS
????
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
