I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
