You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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