i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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