You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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