I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
