Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
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