I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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