If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
