we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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