Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
