PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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