My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
