I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
