If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
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