I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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