Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
COCAINE IS GR8
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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