That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
