all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
