i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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