I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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