My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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